27 Jun 2007
leaving on a jet plane...
Current mood: anxious
so i'm off to a foreign country in two days. i am going to offer help to the helpless and a hundred other cliches. i have been battling myself over my "call" to do this for sometime. like my mom said, i've only convinced myself this week that i'm going.
i really am excited. i struggle, though, with the idea that i will be loving on kids who, when i leave, and when all the other well-meaning teams leave, will be left with not much. a tote bag with a memory verse; some new english slang; a fresh admonition to stay away from fifty cent. what will i leave with them? will God speak through me, loudly enough, that when teamed with the voices of a hundred other people, that a child will not allow herself to be trafficked into the sex trade? will i be able to stifle my not-to-well-hidden urge to yak when faced with the...unique...smells of this land in favor of showing that i appreciate a culture in a place that so desperately needs to be thought of as "western?"
i feel like i am learning the meaning of faith. that faith is more than knowing God offers a better life than I have, but knowing that He has a plan for those orphans. i struggle when i hear the all-american, Dave Ramsey answer that "God doesn't want harm for you, so stop using credit cards," that he means that to have this American life, full of "fulfillment," which always means wealth - I don't care who you are - is not the life that I hope for my orphan boys in Moldova. i want them to know love. i want them to know that even a little is more than enough. that the goal is to be better than you were yesterday. that i want them to make a difference, and i will do what it takes to help them make that difference?
but do i believe that? i don't know. i believe that i WANT to be better than i was yesterday - otherwise, why am I going to this hot, tiring, lovely place? i want to make a difference. but again, i want the best. i want to make a LASTING difference, and i have to believe that somehow, my being with these kids will show them the love of Christ. will show them that a sacrifice is worth it - that love is worth the sacrifice.
and, if i'm willing to show the love of Christ to those that don't even speak my language, why is it so hard to be loving in the fast lane of I-65?
