a pause, perhaps

i can't write this. i won't write this. i don't want to write this.

the fabulous story that began with a tornado...and progressed through college...and lasted through a plane crash...and a couple of relocations...that we thought had brought us to the beginning of a family...

...has hit quite a bump.

the story is not over. nope. not at all.

but it has a chapter that jon and i most certainly didn't see coming.

dennis left us. the child that we were called to adopt and bring to america -- the child that we helped to attain american citizenship -- decided he didn't want to be part of this story any longer.

i'll skip over the details...the ones that most assuredly would have been featured on some reality show or made-for-tv movie. but here are the facts: dennis left us on a sunday. when he should have been serving others. and took a car but left a note that said that he appreciated the experiences we gave him, but that he longed for more challenges and the next chapter in his story. that he never could see us as family. that we had more love to give than he could receive. and he left.

as most parents would, we panicked. and i am proud that we panicked. that real, raw parenting kicked in and we called the cops. and we talked through the options. should we report the car stolen to find him? maybe. should we stake out the spots where we thought he might be? no. should we breathe deeply and pray? absolutely.

and as the day grew long, we realized that we would not get him back...at least for now. jon hopped in his car and came up to nashville so that we could think as a team.

and it has been almost a week and my heart hurts as badly and possibly worse than it did to begin with.

dennis has decided that he doesn't want to be part of this daily story. and that's OK. it has to be OK. there's nothing for me to do but wait on the Lord and his impeccable timing and pray that in the meantime i might glorify Him.

i would ask that you pray for dennis -- that he comes back to our family. we pray that he understands how much we love him and want the best for him.

i would ask that you pray for us -- that we never lose sight of the call to be joyful in every circumstance and to be anxious about nothing.

i would ask that you pray for all the troubled children of the world -- that they find the answers that they need.

feeling a little food-y.

so two months of being alone can take a toll on a woman. the first 7 weeks, i ate things that are almost too horrible to mention. think: a slice of bread, two string cheese sticks and a handful of baby spinach. it's just tough to cook when you are missing your chief eaters.

but a couple of weeks ago, i got my favorite thing in the mail (except checks made out to me), my real simple magazine. love. it had four weeks of menus as one of its cover stories, which tickled me pink. i am a weekly menu-maker and piecing menus from a hundred magazines, cookbooks, web pages and blogs can take a couple of hours.

so i decided to taste-test a couple of recipes to see if my beloved men (and momma) would eat them.

there's one of my first recipes: lemon tilapia with roasted potatoes (or something like that). delish. i think my fish-fearing husband would even love it.

then i made a pasta with eggplant, fresh mozz, and tomatoes. the beginning looked like this:

...and it tasted so good that i forgot to take an after photo.

but tonight takes the cake. i got the new food network magazine last week. and tonight i made ravioli with butter - sage - walnut sauce.

it started like this:

and ended like this:

luxurious was the word that came to mind. healthy i would not consider it except that it was vegetarian. but it was so luscious. i looked up at one point from devouring it and wanted someone to share my thoughts with. only it was just me and max. and i don't feed him from the table.

i really wanted to share this meal with jon and dennis. i know they would have exclaimed over it and had seconds and then they would have gotten up and done the dishes. that would be bliss.

but i'm going to make the most of my time alone. and if i cook every recipe in every medium i own, then so be it. i'd just better be ready to buy some new clothes.

what's up with the merrymans?

i ran into a rolling hills buddy on saturday afternoon. it occurred to me that the only way we've documented what's going on right now is through facebook status updates.

it also occurred to me that what we're going through now is every bit as serious as dennis's adoption and that i need to enlist the help of my friends to pray us through it!

shortly after my dad passed, jon and i began to work toward moving back to arkadelphia. we prayerfully began considering our career paths, putting our house on the market and how to tell dennis. (i'll tell you about dennis in a post very soon).

we love nashville. nashville was an excellent place to begin our marriage and start our family. we love the culture here and the people here. i LOVE my job. no...really. jon LOVES his job. reconciling this with the pull toward "home" was one of the most difficult decisions i think i will make.

the first step was to petition sweet sleep to allow jon to work remotely from arkansas. miraculously (and i do NOT use the word lightly), sweet sleep agreed that it was profitable for both jon and sweet sleep for him to move south. the opportunities for expanding their ministry increase exponentially with having a staff member in a different area. we took this as God's indication that we were moving in the right direction.

next step: tell my job that i need to move. again, one of the hardest things i've ever had to do. i truly find purpose in my job and i might not be stellar at it, but i maintain pretty well. i've been stretched and grown this summer in the aftermath of the flood and the re-building of the hotel. however...my thought was...i'll stick around until we find a replacement and the house sells and then off i'll be...4 weeks, tops.

which leads us to where we are now. step #3: sell the house. in the worst market in 26 years. we've lowered the price, gotten featured on the today show...in this case, the only thing we're short on is time and that's the one thing that will make the difference.

so, on August 16, dennis and jon made the trek to arkansas so that dennis could start school. this is where faith comes in. we know we're supposed to be closer to my family (and jon's, too). we know that we are being called like CRAZY to a simpler life. we know that everything in our heads and in our heart are pointing to this move.

but right now we're in limbo. i'm still working for opryland (praise the LORD). our house is still on the market (85 days and counting). i'm learning to live alone, having really never lived alone in my life. i'm learning to wake up each morning and to place my faith and hope in the only One who can make this all end well.

please join us in praying that our beautiful home sells soon. i'm ready to live with my husband and son again. but...we will glorify HIM no matter the circumstances...who is able to bless us more richly than we can even ask.