i've got this weird hang-up.

hello, blog-world. i've missed you. you've helped me identify a serious issue that i have. the longer i put off something, the harder it is to do. it's this weird paradox that i can't quite figure out. but i've learned that sometimes you just have to take the bull by the horns.

my last post was in june. june was about the time that i was transitioning into events at my job. i was hired to do internal communications and then our company reduced our events and communications teams. no one really told me to take over events. another thing i've learned about myself recently is that i pretty much just "do." if it needs to be done, i just learn and adapt until i can complete it. so, more than being told i needed to "do" events, i just sort of absorbed it. and i love it. but it also has taken so much more of me than i thought it would.

so in the beginning of my newly-self-created position, i thought: wow. i shouldn't blog tonight. i should work. and if i'm not working, i should be hanging with my family. because my hours are long and even when i'm not at work, i'm still at work. and so, i'd skip blogging.

also, when we started blogging, sometimes i would sneak in a good post at work. only now, there's no time for sneaking. again, that curious guilt thing would creep in and say: i've got something really great to share with my little blogspace. only if i were more dedicated to my craft, i wouldn't blog at work, i'd be researching the proper number of chairs for the next big event. that way i could do work at work and then go home and do home at home. that would be great. so i'd skip blogging.

and then, this funny thing happened. i got used to working events and communications and things started coming to me during work hours, and i even took off the little blackberry holster i would sometimes wear to bed (kidding). so it would seem that i would have time to blog. but i would look at this pretty computer and think: now it would be so stupid to blog because i've neglected it so long. i wouldn't even know where to start. and people would know that i'm wishy-washy and can't keep up anything for a long period of time. and they already think i'm not dedicated because i can't daily post like you're supposed to when you commit to this blog-thing. i am a failure...ho, hum and woe is me. and i would skip blogging.

but today, my husband is napping. and my son is listening to some crazy moldovan or celtic music upstairs while painting and my dog is looking out the window. and i have no excuse.

who am i kidding? anyone who reads this post probably has just as many kooky hang-ups as i do, plus they have little kids and much more complicated lives and jobs than i do. really, this blog is for me. it's for me to practice writing so that one day i will be good enough to press print and someone will pay me for the way i string words and place commas or not. also it's for us to connect with people who care about us and who we care for as well so that we have a jumping-off place when we sit down on the patio to visit with you.

to further make my point about this curious guilt that overtakes me: i've been married for about 4 and 1/2 years. when we were wed, people loved us well. gifts came in by the boat-load. we were blessed beyond measure and well-prepared to start our life together. in the beginning of the engagement/gifting period, i wrote thank you notes promptly. there was something so thrilling about putting pen to paper that said "jon and emily."

i continued to do really well until about the month before the wedding. those of you who are married know that this is the time when most showers are thrown, but also, you're down to the wire with wedding planning and house-buying and dress-fittings. and writing thank-you notes is something you just sort of work in to the mix. and i got them all written.

and then jon and i got married and moved into our new house. there was a box-full of notes that i wrote when we were at our old house that i didn't address. this was before google was really good at finding people. it was a safer time, but also a more difficult time to just get things done. in the midst of the move, the box of notes without addresses got packed, but never sent.

about 6 months ago (or so), jon and i rearranged our bedroom. there, underneath a dresser, was the box. when i saw it, i got all queasy. this meant that people that wanted to bless us had gone without that most primal of satisfactions - the satisfaction of being appreciated. i resolved to mail them off to their rightful addresses.

only every time i go to grab that box and do what is right, i can't even touch it. because if i sent the notes now, people would think: wow. 5 years is a long time. i don't even remember what i bought them...did they even mean the thanks behind the note? and so i skip the post office.

as i write this, i know the right thing to do. and by posting it, i have admitted to the whole world that i have a problem. and i can admit to you...hopefully without fear of rejection...that i will mail those notes next weekend. period. i will buy a box of bigger envelopes and put a note in them that tells this story and slap a new stamp on them. and hope that the federal government is more timely than i am.

that feels so, so good. it's not action, but it's the promise thereof and it is good.

so, here i am, mr. blogger. i've missed you. can we talk again tomorrow? oh, you're right. it'll probably be a couple of days.