i have had this perpetual sense of nervousness for the past couple of weeks. do you know the feeling? my stomach feels like it has a balloon inside it that keeps inflating and deflating. my heart won't settle down. my palms are sweaty. i kind of want to cry. all the time.
i'm not sure what it is.
over the past couple of years i've gotten really good at managing stress. i suppose it has to do with the adoption and new job and working through the family cancer. but for some reason, i've lost that levelheadedness.
there were a couple of years when jon and i first got married that i recognized this inability to deal with stress, and promptly took pills to relieve it. they worked. sort of. they made me gain tons of weight, along with some other fun side effects, and jon and i decided that it might be a good idea to lay off the pills.
and i was fine! without the meds, i could handle what life threw at me and generally be pretty fun to be around.
but i feel it coming on again. maybe it's because dennis will be driving alone in 2 short weeks. maybe it's because i feel marginally overwhelmed at work. maybe its because i miss my family.
i know this post is out of character, but i just needed to get it off my chest.
thanks for letting me vent.
3 comments:
or maybe it's because we, as human beings, can only deal with so much "stuff" alone. and then we begin to crumble if we don't open it up. talk about it. ask about it. vent. etc.
you aren't able to do this...but if you were...if you were able to stand back and see how much you have going on in your life, then maybe you would see where the wanting to cry/throw up/yell feeling is coming from.
you have a son. a "new" son. you are dealing with teenage things. i'll be dealing with those things too someday, but i'll have had a long 15 years to prepare. you...well, you and jon have had only a few.
nothing can knock us to our knees more quickly than when something is wrong with our parents. that takes the wind out of anyone's sails. for good reason.
and then there is work. i know you. i know how you perform. and i know without you having to tell me that you take on 10 jobs at once. you're probably only paid for 1/2 of the 1 job you were hired for :) right? i know i'm right.
allow yourself to have a bad day. or month. or year. it's natural. don't worry that maybe your problems don't seem quite as large as the orphans in moldova. or the people in nashville losing jobs and homes.
just accept that your life is hard too right now. will it get better? yes. of course. but it's okay to have a bad day.
and to vent.
i love you emily.
ps. i'll be praying for you. i realized i hadn't said that. but i know you know that it's a given. but in case with all the stress, you forgot...i will. i will everyday until you tell me to stop.
I thank the Lord that you have been given a wonderful husband, a precious son, and a wise,loving friend named Hannah. I have always prayed that our God will take good care of you, and He does it iin mighty ways through beautiful souls. For the record, even though this "Hurricane" blowing through your life is destructive, your defenses have been strengthened, and I see a sturdier Emily. I love you.
Mom
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